DAY 67 – IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE DATING, COHABITATING WITH OR MARRIED TO A PERSON WHO

My boyfriend and I are at a retreat with other couples to talk about problems in our relationship. There are two key points the moderator of the event is trying to get us to understand. First, we need to look at what we say and do and how it affects the person we are dating, cohabitating with or married to. The second point is that the people who have long lasting harmonious relationships develop a maturity that allows them to not only withstand their problems when they occur but also enables them to prevent relationship difficulties from happening in the first place.

When the couples started to describe their relationships most people told how wonderful everything was going at the beginning of their relationship. They went places together that they had agreed upon and they would talk for hours on end. They showed kindness, consideration and respect for one another. There were no arguments or disputes just words of endearment and times filled with joy that enhanced both of their lives.

At some point these relationships started to change. One or both parties found little things that the other person said or did to be annoying and aggravating. Some of them were just dismissed without a word being said while other situations led to a deep seated annoyance that escalated into shouting, hurt feelings and a realization that life with that person is no longer the same.

How can anyone feel good and enjoy life to its fullest when they are not treated well by the person they are dating, cohabitating with or married to. No one can feel safe and have peace of mind when they are yelled at, verbally disparaged, threatened with violence or sexually assaulted. No one can trust someone when they are betrayed by lies or deceit.

Relationships where there is mutual happiness and contentment requires both people to have consideration for the psychological and emotional well-being of the other person. Those who can calmly talk when there are differences instead of becoming angry will create the underpinnings for compromise that is satisfactory for both people that deeply care for one another. Those who take into account the desires of the other person will show that what is important to the other person is important to you. Without such consideration there may be feelings of love but what is missing are the loving actions that are so important for a harmonious and functional romantic relationship.

Like young children who only think of themselves and do not consider the ramifications for the other person, immaturity is at the center of relationship problems. People in a relationship want peace and harmony but immature actions prevent it. By showing the mature ability to be heard, understood and encouraging the other person to achieve what is important to that person relationships will thrive. Sometimes the path to a fulfilling romantic relationship may have pitfalls but maturity will enable both people to withstand any impediments.

I now realize that the words and actions each of us shows towards the person we are emotionally involved with has a huge effect on how the other person thinks and feels. Without kind words and thoughtful actions people become disappointed and unhappy and no one wants to be in a relationship where they are not thriving, happy and have a sense of fulfillment.